Zoning out.
The lovely La Parisienne is my guest blogger and movie reviewer for this post! She and I (along with the intrepid Cine Sib, but not Il Barista, who fled in horror from the very idea) went to see "Twilight" earlier tonight. The result? The most entertaining night at the cinema in a very long time -- because we were treating the whole thing like a big episode of "Mystery Science Theater." This film is unintentionally hilarious! She and I had been waiting since Thanksgiving for me to come home for the holidays -- so we can hang out.
Without further ado, I give you . . . La Parisienne's review! The friend mentioned in it isn't me, by the way. LP had seen the flick once before tonight, but she insisted that it was so funny it warranted a second screening.
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Bella’s first day of school in Forks is interesting. She meets Eric and Mike, who are infatuated with her in the book, but I’m pretty sure that movie Eric doesn’t like girls. Maybe they can all go shopping together. The vapid Jessica and bookish Angela complete her social circle, and then she sees the pale and pretty Cullen clan. Jessica explains that all of the foster siblings are “together,” but Edward just happens to be single. Bella has Biology class with Edward where he first catches her scent; apparently vampires are immortal but not immune to seizures. This scene is hilarious. Pattinson promised to play Edward as a “manic depressive who hates himself,” and he delivers. Edward is everything I ever imagined and more.
We see the tortured soul in Biology another day where he attempts to strike up a conversation with our heroine. You'd think a century-old vampire would have improved his social skills by now. Every time Edward was in a scene, my unbiased friend simply said, “AWKWARD.” Anyway, their relationship finally progresses when Edward saves Bella from an out of control vehicle by jumping between her and it. He leaves without warning or explanation. Now we come to a departure from the book that I greatly appreciated. Bella doesn’t pass out or go out of her way to keep a secret, at first. She wants answers, which leads to more odd scenes with our self-loathing hero who warns her to stay away from him while simultaneously poking his nose into her personal life. AWKWARD. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
When Bella runs into her family friend, Jacob, during a group outing, he tells her an old Native American legend about the Cullens. I also think that his story about wolves and enemy tribes is vague, so I understand why she decides to do some more research on the subject. I like movie Bella better than book Bella. I just have to mention that this is also the part where Bella talks Angela into asking out Eric. I can only guess that people in a town where vampires can lead normal lives aren’t all that observant. Angela is now a beard.
Bella’s research leads her to a bookstore out of town, but as she is leaving it, to meet up with her friends, a group of men surrounds her. All is well though, because Edward drives up and gives the monsters a scary stare. HILARIOUS! The comedy continues when they find Jessica and Angela, who ate while their friend was in mortal danger. Edward tells them that he will drive Bella home because he wants to make sure she eats. They have the typical teenage response and gush about how “thoughtful” he is. I now laugh like a mad woman every time I hear the word. The restaurant is a time of revelation. He admits to stalking her and being able to read minds, every mind but Bella’s. Of course, the stalking is all in the name of protecting her, so it is all right. He also watches her sleep, but that must be because he's thoughtful. Sure, it isn’t creepy at all. Bella finally figures out the truth that night when she reads her newly acquired book and surfs the internet.
The next day, Bella leads Edward into a secluded part of the forest for the confrontation. Nothing like making sure you are completely alone with a vampire before telling him you know his secret. In my opinion, this is the best scene of the movie because most of the dialogue is straight out of the book. We establish that he is a vampire, finally. When that doesn’t scare her off, he throws her on his back and quickly carries her to the sunny side of the mountain. They really had no budget for effects. He shows her what he is by opening his shirt in a ray of sunlight. It looks like Tinkerbell has been showering vampires with fairy dust again. Think happy thoughts, Edward. Never mind, I forgot that you can’t; good thing that you can run like the wind. Anyway, after warning her that she is his “brand of heroin,” he admits that “the lion fell in love with the lamb.” I told you it was straight out of the book.
Meanwhile, a small vampire gang has been snacking in the area. Bella’s father, Sheriff Charlie Swann, has been investigating the deaths along with Edward’s father, Dr. Cullen. One of the vamps must be a dance choreographer because that is the only thing to explain their moves. It is also nice to see that the female vampire was able to borrow some fur off the White Witch from Narnia. I guess Hollywood really is going green. The interloping vampires concern the “vegetarian” Cullen family who need to keep suspicion away from themselves. I mean, vampire attack is always the first theory in a suspicious death investigation.
Edward takes Bella to a family baseball game where the players all have Matrix-like skills. There is fun for all until the other vampires show up. What? Is this a hint at a plot? The Cullens, in their baseball uniforms, contrast with the wild vampires nicely. That’s right; they wear uniforms like civilized people… vampires… whatever. The new vampires want to play, and things look friendly at first. Edward and Bella are about to leave when one of the vamps catches her scent and decides it’s snack time. The two groups dramatically snarl at each other and game over.
The movie moves far too fast at this point. We finally have an actual plot line with action and it is smashed into the last half hour. Anyway, Bella leaves with Edward’s brother and sister, Jasper and Alice, while the others try to lead the James, the obsessive and hungry vampire, on a wild goose chase. I like Alice and I wish we saw more of her here, but -- alas -- Edward was given most of her lines. It does make him more honest and likeable, but it still sort of stinks. Jasper always looks pained because he is new to the vegetarian lifestyle and not used to eating only animals when people are around. I’m not allowed to kill people at will either, so I have little sympathy.
Moving on, Alice has a vision of the future and where their adversary will end up in a ballet studio. This happens, of course, when Bella, thinking that he has her mother, meets him there. She pepper sprays him at first and tries to run away, but he is too fast. Surprise. Personally, I would bring sharp objects and fire. His torture of her ends when Edward enters. There is a hilarious fight scene right with lots of broken glass and then some group vampire killing and burning. Edward is forced to drink Bell’s blood to remove vampire venom and almost kills her. I told you it all moved too fast. She wakes up in the hospital with her mother and Edward. There is the typical “I should leave you for your own good” scenario. The movie ends with a romantic moment at their prom and promises of sequels. As we left, my friend said, “I’m glad it was entertaining, but I don’t get it. Why did she fall in love with him?” I’ve got nothing.
I had high expectations for "Twilight." I expected it to be bad -- very, very bad. Anyone who read the book couldn’t honestly expect a great film or even a good film. Seriously, the majority of the book was Bella droning on about the beautiful vampire who wants to eat her, all in between fainting spells and make-out sessions. So, when I finally conned my friend into watching "Twilight" with me, I warned her that it would be bad. I was, however, pleasantly surprised to discover that it was wonderfully bad. Allow me to point out particular scenes of hilarity. Sorry, it is more of a recap than a review, but I love it when directors inadvertently make comedies.
Bella’s first day of school in Forks is interesting. She meets Eric and Mike, who are infatuated with her in the book, but I’m pretty sure that movie Eric doesn’t like girls. Maybe they can all go shopping together. The vapid Jessica and bookish Angela complete her social circle, and then she sees the pale and pretty Cullen clan. Jessica explains that all of the foster siblings are “together,” but Edward just happens to be single. Bella has Biology class with Edward where he first catches her scent; apparently vampires are immortal but not immune to seizures. This scene is hilarious. Pattinson promised to play Edward as a “manic depressive who hates himself,” and he delivers. Edward is everything I ever imagined and more.
We see the tortured soul in Biology another day where he attempts to strike up a conversation with our heroine. You'd think a century-old vampire would have improved his social skills by now. Every time Edward was in a scene, my unbiased friend simply said, “AWKWARD.” Anyway, their relationship finally progresses when Edward saves Bella from an out of control vehicle by jumping between her and it. He leaves without warning or explanation. Now we come to a departure from the book that I greatly appreciated. Bella doesn’t pass out or go out of her way to keep a secret, at first. She wants answers, which leads to more odd scenes with our self-loathing hero who warns her to stay away from him while simultaneously poking his nose into her personal life. AWKWARD. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
When Bella runs into her family friend, Jacob, during a group outing, he tells her an old Native American legend about the Cullens. I also think that his story about wolves and enemy tribes is vague, so I understand why she decides to do some more research on the subject. I like movie Bella better than book Bella. I just have to mention that this is also the part where Bella talks Angela into asking out Eric. I can only guess that people in a town where vampires can lead normal lives aren’t all that observant. Angela is now a beard.
Bella’s research leads her to a bookstore out of town, but as she is leaving it, to meet up with her friends, a group of men surrounds her. All is well though, because Edward drives up and gives the monsters a scary stare. HILARIOUS! The comedy continues when they find Jessica and Angela, who ate while their friend was in mortal danger. Edward tells them that he will drive Bella home because he wants to make sure she eats. They have the typical teenage response and gush about how “thoughtful” he is. I now laugh like a mad woman every time I hear the word. The restaurant is a time of revelation. He admits to stalking her and being able to read minds, every mind but Bella’s. Of course, the stalking is all in the name of protecting her, so it is all right. He also watches her sleep, but that must be because he's thoughtful. Sure, it isn’t creepy at all. Bella finally figures out the truth that night when she reads her newly acquired book and surfs the internet.
The next day, Bella leads Edward into a secluded part of the forest for the confrontation. Nothing like making sure you are completely alone with a vampire before telling him you know his secret. In my opinion, this is the best scene of the movie because most of the dialogue is straight out of the book. We establish that he is a vampire, finally. When that doesn’t scare her off, he throws her on his back and quickly carries her to the sunny side of the mountain. They really had no budget for effects. He shows her what he is by opening his shirt in a ray of sunlight. It looks like Tinkerbell has been showering vampires with fairy dust again. Think happy thoughts, Edward. Never mind, I forgot that you can’t; good thing that you can run like the wind. Anyway, after warning her that she is his “brand of heroin,” he admits that “the lion fell in love with the lamb.” I told you it was straight out of the book.
Meanwhile, a small vampire gang has been snacking in the area. Bella’s father, Sheriff Charlie Swann, has been investigating the deaths along with Edward’s father, Dr. Cullen. One of the vamps must be a dance choreographer because that is the only thing to explain their moves. It is also nice to see that the female vampire was able to borrow some fur off the White Witch from Narnia. I guess Hollywood really is going green. The interloping vampires concern the “vegetarian” Cullen family who need to keep suspicion away from themselves. I mean, vampire attack is always the first theory in a suspicious death investigation.
Edward takes Bella to a family baseball game where the players all have Matrix-like skills. There is fun for all until the other vampires show up. What? Is this a hint at a plot? The Cullens, in their baseball uniforms, contrast with the wild vampires nicely. That’s right; they wear uniforms like civilized people… vampires… whatever. The new vampires want to play, and things look friendly at first. Edward and Bella are about to leave when one of the vamps catches her scent and decides it’s snack time. The two groups dramatically snarl at each other and game over.
The movie moves far too fast at this point. We finally have an actual plot line with action and it is smashed into the last half hour. Anyway, Bella leaves with Edward’s brother and sister, Jasper and Alice, while the others try to lead the James, the obsessive and hungry vampire, on a wild goose chase. I like Alice and I wish we saw more of her here, but -- alas -- Edward was given most of her lines. It does make him more honest and likeable, but it still sort of stinks. Jasper always looks pained because he is new to the vegetarian lifestyle and not used to eating only animals when people are around. I’m not allowed to kill people at will either, so I have little sympathy.
Moving on, Alice has a vision of the future and where their adversary will end up in a ballet studio. This happens, of course, when Bella, thinking that he has her mother, meets him there. She pepper sprays him at first and tries to run away, but he is too fast. Surprise. Personally, I would bring sharp objects and fire. His torture of her ends when Edward enters. There is a hilarious fight scene right with lots of broken glass and then some group vampire killing and burning. Edward is forced to drink Bell’s blood to remove vampire venom and almost kills her. I told you it all moved too fast. She wakes up in the hospital with her mother and Edward. There is the typical “I should leave you for your own good” scenario. The movie ends with a romantic moment at their prom and promises of sequels. As we left, my friend said, “I’m glad it was entertaining, but I don’t get it. Why did she fall in love with him?” I’ve got nothing.
"Twilight" runs for 122 minutes and is rated PG-13 for some violence and one (hilariously terrible) kissing scene.
RottenTomatoes gives this film a rotten rating of 49%.
RottenTomatoes gives this film a rotten rating of 49%.
1 comment:
seems likely that they will come out with a Twilight sequel pretty soon, there's a crazy lot of ticket sales at stake
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