Live-Blogging the Vancouver Opening Ceremonies

The Vancouver Games are starting soon!!

OK, the ceremonies haven't even begun yet, and I'm already annoyed by NBC reporters. So far the worst offender is Matt Lauer, who might as well be called the Beijing Poodle (remember this?). Bob Costas was asking Lauer about the opening ceremonies, and Lauer launches into a drooling fanboy reminiscence about how awesome Beijing's were, how they "rocked the world," and how they "set the bar impossibly high" for all other possible Olympics. WHAT?

Matt, sweetie, this is 2010, not 2008, and you are sitting in VANCOUVER. Do you even realize that you've just insulted your Canadian hosts? You just said that Beijing was so ZOMG FRICKING AWESOME that no one else could possibly be anywhere near as good. HELLO, MATT. In about an hour, the Canadians are going to open their Games, and they are going to do it with a huge effort that they've worked hard to put together. How about focusing on the CANADIANS in the here-and-now instead of blabbering on and on about Beijing from 2 years ago? GEEZ.

Thank goodness for Costas, who simply said that the Canadians were planning a different kind of show, something more intimate and comfy, something to make Canadian hearts swell with pride and make everyone else say, "I can't wait to visit Canada!"

(I have visited Canada, and I loved it! I plan actually on getting back later this year.)

8:48 PM: "We Are The World" is 25 years old??? I remember it when I was tiny. Time to play "Name That Celebrity." LL Cool J?

8:57 PM: Oh, for crap's sake. A pro-census commercial. Really? Really?

8:59 PM: The ceremonies are dedicated to Nodar Kumaritashvili, the 21-year-old Georgian luger who died today in a crash. RIP, poor Nodar.

9:00 PM: FINALLY. Let's get started, EH?

9:02 PM: Prerequisite video montage of pretty scenery.

9:04 PM: Snowboarding through the Olympic Rings. Nice!

9:07 PM: Ooooh, Mounties!

9:08 PM: The total population of Canada is really only 33 million? Their land mass is VAST.

9:09 PM: "O Canadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"! The singer's doing a fine job, but all I'm really thinking about is: "I want that red dress. And those shoes." She's almost making this sound like a sultry lounge act, isn't she?

9:14 PM: Massive shout-out to/by indigenous/First Nations groups. The huge blue-lit totems are COOL. Different aboriginal nations of the Pacific Northwest have such colorful outfits!

9:20 PM: I admit it, I have a short attention span. Where is the Parade of Nations?

9:22 PM: Greece! And who is that adorable Albanian flagbearer?

9:25 PM: The Austrians look so FORMAL! They're all wearing SUITS!

Azerbaijan: Dude, I love your pants!

9:27 PM: I am LOVING how the Bermuda contingent is wearing red Bermuda shorts.

Brazil. The NBC reporters can't resist mentioning how Rio won the Summer Games and beat out Chicago to do it.

9:30 PM: The Cayman Islanders are wearing big floppy straw hats. Fugly or fabulous? You tell me.

China's 90-person-strong contingent enters.

9:39 PM: Had to go get my laundry out of the dryer. Did I miss anything?

The Georgian team with black arm bands. The Georgians receive a standing ovation from the sympathetic crowd.

9:40 PM: Here come the Germans. Winter powerhouse, but ... PINK-AND-YELLOW VESTS??? Definitely fugly.

9:42 PM: The Brits look smashing! Crisp white jackets. LOVE the berets.

Those aboriginal dancers have been dancing for a while now. Tired yet?

9:47 PM: The 100+ Italians somehow manage to look like fashion plates. Again. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

9:50 PM: That Kazakh headdress is INTENSE, man.

9:51 PM: The South Koreans are here. This time they are NOT marching together with the North Koreans. Relations are bad -- well, DUH.

9:59 PM: Norway's in the house. They're gonna be HUGE.

There are so many tiny contingents. It's really kind of charming. They're here to have a good time and take part. Isn't that the whole point?

Russia: There are 178 athletes?! They're waving ... what? fuzzy blue teddy bears?

10:06 PM: Taking a fashion tip from the Slovakians: black coat, red scarf.

OK, I'm starting to get tired here. Are we almost done?

10:09 PM: 146 Swiss athletes?! Tiny nation, GINORMOUS contingent.

10:10 PM: Here's "Chinese Taipei" with that STUPID FAKE FLAG. I hate that thing.

Come on, come on, Team USA.

10:12 PM: YAY! 216 Team USA athletes stroll in -- with awesome knit hats that have moose on them!

10:14 PM: Team Canada! It brings down the house with 206 athletes in some eye-popping red outfits. I am loving the red-and-black plaid scarves too. There's a shot to the stands of Canadian PM Stephen Harper.

10:18 PM: OK, OK, on to the cultural bit of the ceremonies, please. MM is getting tired. I had a full day on campus today and really want to hit the hay. But I really want to see the lighting of the flame. Unfortunately, I'll have to listen to a bunch of IOC blowhards yap first, though. Errrrgh.

10:20 PM: Nelly Furtado is CANADIAN? I knew Bryan Adams is. Then again, a lot of entertainers in the US turn out to be actually Canadian. Including Captain Kirk! Nelly's platform heels, though, just look painful. Hey, I'll do all sorts of crazy stuff in the name of looking good, but not those platform heels.

10:27 PM: Snowing indoors! Oh, and here is some fringe-wearing guy who's supposed to be the protagonist of the cultural bit, of swooping around different regions of the Great White North.

DONALD SUTHERLAND IS CANADIAN?!

The artificial Northern Lights are awesome!

10:30 PM: A gigantic lighted bear! I'M IN LOVE.

10:33 PM: A faux natural disaster. Now if someone tries to make some comment about global warming, I am going to scream and mute the TV.

Orcas and aboriginal patterns and salmon, oh my!

10:36 PM: Cool lighted totem poles. But I feel a cheesy dance number coming on.

10:37 PM: Sarah McLachlan, wearing a ludicrous necklace that looks like something a 3-year-old made with paste and sequins. I actually like Sarah's music, even if it's so ... calming. The Cine-Sib used to call Alessandra "She Who Interprets Sarah McLachlan Videos."

10:38 PM: I knew it. Cheesy dance number. Boooooooo!

10:44 PM: A bewitched canoe? With a fiddler in it? I think I prefer the Fiddler on the Roof.

OK, punk fiddling. It looks like FUN. I have no musical talent at all, but if I did, I'd want to learn to fiddle. But you want fiddle virtuoso madness? 2 words: Natalie MacMaster. She's from Nova Scotia.

10:51 PM: DANCE FEVER. OK, people with sparklers on their heels -- fun effect.

10:57 PM: Am bored now and surfing recipe websites. What do you think of this?

10:58 PM: It's not an Olympic opening ceremony until you have someone dangling on wires and floating through the air. Maybe we should make wire-dangling a Summer Games sport.

11:05 PM: OK, totally awesome mountains and skiers/snowboarders on wires.

11:09 PM: WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE TO PUT LIGHTS ON THEMSELVES? They look like they have smallpox that lights up with glow-in-the-dark pus.

11:11 PM: Poetry?! About Canada? No, no, no! "We are an experiment gone right for a change"?!

11:12 PM: OMG, MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

11:12 PM: Muting the TV. Ugh. This "poet" (and I use the term loosely) belongs in some dingy coffeehouse during a poetry slam, not on stage at the Games. Beat poet? Yeah, I'd like to beat the poet, all right.

11:16 PM: Oh, great. IOC big shots are taking their turn at the mike. Groan. Did that windbag just use the words "through the magic of television"?! *gag*

11:18 PM: "the greatest winter athletes of all time." Shut up, you Kanye wannabe.

"You are the beacon of hope." He actually said that. This guy's incredible banality is putting me to sleep FAST.

11:21 PM: Hurry up and light the flame so we get on with competing already! MM wants some ski jumping tomorrow, dang it.

11:22 PM: I am SO TEMPTED to mute the TV and just listen to my "Glee" soundtrack CD until I see the Olympic flame enter the stadium.

11:24 PM: Listening now to the "Glee" cast sing "Jump." I listen to enough blowhards in my school life. I don't need to hear yet another blowhard in my off hours!

11:26 PM: Jacques Rogge's turn to flap his gums at the podium. YAWN. In an act of subversive sarcasm, I now listen to "My Life Would Suck Without You."

11:30 PM: Light the flame. Light the flame. Light the flame.

11:31 PM: FINALLY. The Governor-General declares the Games open. The lights dim, and we get ... a dopey song by k.d. lang. UGH.

Well, OK, no matter how much the song sucks, at least it's not "Imagine." Yeah, I know that tune is a pop culture favorite, but I hate it.

11:39 PM: Finally, here's the Olympic flag. Carried by Donald Sutherland! Among others. Can we please hurry up and set something on fire? Mamma wants to go to bed!

11:42 PM: Can that girl actually fit through doorways with that hair???

11:45 PM: This song is going on forever, and it's done in full opera style. It's unbearable. I don't care if it IS the Olympic hymn. Hello, mute button. Oh, how I love you.

11:46: A moment of silence for Nodar Kumaritashvili. 21 is far too young.

11:47 PM: Oooh, the athletes' oath. We'll see how many days go by until the first doping scandal hits. I will wager ... 4 days.

11:50 PM: La Parisienne texts: "Burninate already." Amen, sister. SET SOMETHING ON FIRE. IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

11:53 PM: FINALLY!!!!! THE FLAME! *MM weeps with joy.*

11:56 PM: JUST BURNINATE ALREADY. BURNINATE EVERYTHING.

Finally, Wayne Gretzky.

11:58 PM: Newscasters are wondering if there's a technical glitch. Where's the cauldron?

12:00 AM: THAT's the cauldron?

12:01 AM: FIRE!!! YAY!!!!!

12:02 AM: Fireworks make me happy.

12:03 AM: Gretzky to light the exterior cauldron. There's something deliciously pagan about this whole fire business.

12:06 AM: How long, do you think, before some stupid Greenie complains that the Olympic Flame contributes to global warming?

Joe Biden?! As long as Crazy Uncle Joe keeps his trap shut and doesn't embarrass the whole country with another of his nutty utterances, fine. I guess.

"It takes a lot of guts to risk failure in front of everybody." REALLY, Joe? You risk and do it all the time yourself, pal.

12:13 AM: The newscasters are getting on my nerves. Costas is OK, but Lauer? Let's set Matt on fire too.

I can't help hitting back at Matt. It wasn't Beijing 2008 that set an impossibly high standard. In terms of torch lighting, it was Barcelona 1992. Nobody has even come close to this sheer awesomeness.

12:19 AM: "Good night from Vancouver." Well, it was fun and all. Now let's get to the REAL fun, shall we? Tomorrow we get to ski jumping!

MM, signing off.