Beijing Olympic Watch: The Opening Ceremony

First of all, just let me say, humorous Aussie blogger Tim Blair live-blogged the ceremony -- with often hilarious results. My favorite quip? "The deadly Chinese martial art of tai chi. Not to be confused with the pleasant Indian drink, chai tea."

May you never change, Tim.

You know, I should have live-blogged too, but I was trying to do about three things at the same time, so I just took notes. Here are my impressions in more or less chronological order. I was watching the primetime NBC broadcast, with commentators Bob Costas and Matt Lauer. I missed a bit of it, but since the ceremony lasted 3 hours, what are a few minutes here and there? Here goes, snarky commentary and all because I can't help poking fun at anything as bloated and bombastic as three-hour-long ceremonies. If it's any consolation, I made fun of the Athens opener too.


~I know that the massive new stadium is now a symbol for Chinese national pride and all that, but frankly, I just don't like the architecture of the "Bird's Nest." It looks . . . messy and unfinished. Either that, or a big, overflowing plate of steel fettuccine. The thought occurs to me that in Chinese cuisine, "bird's-nest soup"is a delicacy. But do you know what that soupy bird's-nest is made of? The hardened saliva of a cliff-dwelling swallow. Really! Huh. Maybe that explains something about the Bird's Nest stadium?

~The "footsteps of history" fireworks are a nice idea, but the execution looks goofy. As Tim Blair said, the "footsteps" looked like pork chops. Hm. No word on the applesauce.

~The camera swoops over the audience. There's Bush talking to Putin. I can't help thinking about Georgia. Bush looks uncomfortably hot (well, the stadium was over 80 degrees), Laura Bush looks as elegant as ever, Putin looks cadaverous, but the most stylish dignitary is probably Nicolas Sarkozy. It must be some French fashion thing. But wait! Sarko's lacking his most famous fashion accessory. Where's Carla Bruni?

~The Olympic rings rise from the floor of the stadium. They look very delicate, actually. Quite lovely.

~Children representing the 56 official ethnic groups of China march in, each wearing his/her ethnic costume. Very colorful, very cute. I was lulled into a sense of warm fuzzies -- but soon I got a cold water shower, because the xiao haizi passed the spotlight to a group of stiffly goose-stepping soldiers. Call me crazy, but I simply tend to be hostile toward goose-stepping soldiers of any autocratic state.

~I was expecting Western journalists to say all sorts of goofy things during the broadcast, but hearing Lauer explain the "meaning" of the kids and the troops was bizarre. He was blithely talking -- and I'm not sure he even knew what he was saying or what implications it could have. He said that the scene represented how "the state will guarantee the future of these children" because in the past, sometimes "the state wasn't able to do that." Good grief. Statist propaganda is alive and well.

~Want more statist-sounding propaganda? Now it's time for the anthem. The name is "March of the Volunteers." Eyes roll. I half-expect Lauer to wax lyrical about the workers' paradise and the glorious proletarian revolution against the evil exploiting capitalists and their running dogs. Come on. "March of the Volunteers"? Can you get any more old-school Communist-sounding than that? Hey, do the spectators each get their very own hammer and sickle to wave while singing? Marx, Lenin, and Mao action figures? OK, OK, I'll stop now.

~The artistic portion of the ceremony begins with the unrolling of a gigantic scroll. It's actually a huge LED screen. That's some pretty cool tech. I'd probably think it was cooler if not for the reporters gasping about how awesome Chinese technology is. Sure, the tech is cool and everything, but if you want to talk about tech overall, you look at Japan and the US. But who cares? There's Matt Lauer having a tech-gasm on the air. Stop it, Matt. You're embarrassing yourself.

~Here come a huge number of Confucians! What neat costumes. I'm smiling rather ironically, though, because the Chinese Communists haven't always been so fond of Confucius. Now, though, the CCP is going hoarse shouting about "harmony" every three seconds. Oh, and the headdresses on the performers are hilarious. Do they look a little bit like huge paintbrushes? Will the Confucians then do handstands and write calligraphy with their heads? No? Aw, that would've been something to see.

~Matt Lauer again: "The Chinese invented paper and printing!!!" Yes, Matt. By the way, who invented democracy? Just asking.

~A thought occurs to me. The last summer games took place in Athens, cradle of Western democracy. The current ones are taking place in Beijing, home of the CCP. Isn't the juxtaposition a little . . . striking?

~The reporters are talking about the Chinese political doctrine and buzzword of the "harmonious society." OK, it's political rhetoric, but I'm rolling my eyes anyway because -- well, I won't burden you with a rant about just how "harmonious" things actually are. One commentator does say that China has tremendous challenges with "disharmonious" elements. He lists a few examples: "the environment, urbanization." Shall we add a few more? The huge and growing gap between rich and poor, urban and rural . . . Human rights abuses . . . Land confiscations in an increasingly desperate rural hinterland . . . The crushing of dissent . . .

~A thought occurs to me. Am I really, as Lauer described some protesters, a "party crasher" because I'm pointing out unpleasant things in the middle of the Olympic festival? Am I just a horrible human being? Should I just shut up this one time? But is it ever really OK to shut up about human rights abuses just to keep the abuser happy? I point out also: my problem is not with the Chinese people. My problem is specifically with the government in Beijing. Let's be very clear. I hope the Chinese athletes do well, as I hope all athletes from every nation do well because they've all worked very hard to become Olympians and they're all human beings, individuals. But I'm really wary of the Beijing's brand of rah-rah Chinese chauvinism that refuses to brook any criticism at all.

~The huge display of moving blocks in the stadium is darn cool. The Great Wall! I thought it was maybe mechanized in part, but then a human being pops out of each block like a jack-in-a-box! The blocks turning into pretty pink plum flowers was nice too. (But I'm a historian, and I couldn't help thinking, as a pile of blossoms appeared, of the phrase "let a hundred flowers bloom" . . . Well, we all know what happened after that.)

~The march through ancient Chinese history goes on. The Tang Dynasty! Gorgeous costuming on the dancer. I've always wanted a Tang-style outfit. (But where could I possibly wear that thing? Anywhere I might want to strangle someone with my sleeves.)

~Very cool representation of Zheng He and his ships. Hey, maybe China's the only place where you can say to a ship captain, "Your ship's JUNK," and it wouldn't be an insult. As for Zheng He, he gets fame as a Chinese Columbus -- which might make up for the fact that he was a eunuch . . .

~Bob Costas, who does have a snarky, sarcastic streak to him, finally lets it show. Lauer is talking about a group of female dancers and their hand movements. Lauer can't seem to stop going on and on about how elegant, how precise, how meaningful each and every little gesture is! And not just in the dance, he says, it's true in everyday life too! In China, every gesture is significant and beautiful . . .

The eyes roll! Then next thing I know, Costas interrupts Lauer with a cheerful, sarcastic question: "So if I go to a McDonald's here, they'll give me a Big Mac with conspicuous elegance??"

Lauer, after a moment's silence: "Maybe for you."

Me, thrilled: I (HEART) BOB COSTAS!

~The ceremony's representation of Chinese history jumps to the 1970s. Hm, seems a bit convenient, but hey, who didn't expect the spectacle to gloss over various unpleasantries? But the commentators then said something about the "new China" that made me laugh bitterly. The quote? This was the moment of "individuals deciding on the lives they wanted to live for themselves."

Oh, and that's fine, as long as you didn't decide to live the life of a dissident or a human rights activist or a Christian who didn't want a state-sponsored church or a journalist who asked too many questions or a student who demonstrated for democracy in 1989 . . . Well, you get the idea. And what about the countless numbers of rural poor Chinese displaced for various building projects? What about the lives they want to live?

(I had told La Parisienne that I would watch the ceremonies until the bombast and prostrate Western media kowtowing finally made me vomit, and then I'd go watch something else. This was when I almost turned channels, but I stayed despite everything because, by golly, I wanted to see my favorite part of every Olympic opener, the Parade of Nations.)

~Lauer again: "The Chinese invented the kite!!" Lauer is a total gibbering fanboy.

~The kite was pretty, though, and the little girl on it was cute as a button. Was I ever that young?

~Wow, thousands of guys wearing suits with light bulbs all over them! Wait! Are those the new ecologically-friendly light bulbs???? I'm sure the Greenies will be howling. The light-bulb brigade arranges itself (quite remarkably) into the shape of the stadium. Neat.

~Tai chi masters take over the stadium floor. They're amazingly organized. There are 2008 of them, and they move with enough precision to make any real marching-band-nerd proud.

~Oh, the obligatory shout-out to environmentalism, etc. Kids and tai chi masters and harmony between man and nature. Commentators burbling on and on about "sustainable development." You know, call me a cynic, but it'd all be more convincing if China weren't the biggest polluter in the world, and Beijing one of the worst air-polluted cities on the planet. I'm just sayin'.

~FINALLY, THE PARADE OF NATIONS!!!!

~Wait! The order of the nations is all goofy. They're not marching by any alphabet. They're coming in by the number of brush strokes in the Chinese character for their name. Whose bright idea was this? Whatever.

~A few highlights from the parade . . .
=I love seeing colorful national costumes. The African nations make everyone else look totally boring.
=The Bermuda athletes are wearing (what else?) Bermuda shorts.
=Some of the contingents are dressed to kill. Some are casual, some are dapper, and the French and Italians are . . . well, French and Italian.
=Here come the Spaniards, loud and proud. They're having a ridiculously good year in sport this year. Spaniards won the Euro soccer championship; ditto Spanish victories in the Tour de France and Wimbledon. Hey, even the Spaniards' shoes are red. Dyed in the blood of their vanquished athletic foes!!! I'm KIDDING.
=Why does a bagpipe version of "Scotland the Brave" keep playing????
=Those dancing Chinese cheerleaders in the boots have a job I don't envy. Are they really going to smile and wave and shimmy for an hour and more? Poor things. In those boots, too. Give them all spa pedicures!!
=Here come the Aussies! Maybe I'm just indulging a stereotype, but the grinning Aussie contingent always seems like it's full of such great people. People you'd happily invite to a backyard barbecue and play darts with.
=Lithuania! I'm expecting basketball glory, guys!
="Chinese Taipei" again. I'll spare you my usual snarl about the pernicious fiction of the name. The team from Taiwan has some medal hopes, and the table tennis team could be very good. The reporters spend a few more minutes on Taiwan, saying that the tension between the island and mainland has eased since the election of Ma. But that's such a simplistic "explanation." Still, I guess I should be happy that Lauer and Costas even knew that much.
="Palestine" marches as a nation with its own flag. But Taiwan doesn't get to do so. International politics stink.
=The Hungarians are here. The men look fine, but what . . . What in the name of all that is holy are the Hungarian women wearing?? White jackets and skirts covered with . . . red splotches? They look like they'd all just survived multiple gunshot wounds, but hey, they're still going to compete!
=The Americans march in behind the flagbearer, Lopez Lomong, a former refugee from Sudan who now competes as an American in track and field. That's just awesome. The American dream is alive and well.
=The Chinese march in, to the thunderous applause of the spectators. Flagbearer? It's Yao Ming, probably the most recognizable Chinese athlete anywhere -- certainly in the US where he plays NBA basketball for the Houston Rockets. And he seems, in his interviews, like such a nice guy. With him is a tiny little boy, survivor of the Sichuan earthquake who helped rescue some of his classmates. What a tale!

~Can we light the flame already and get on with it? Blah blah blah for official speeches, IOC-speak, yadda yadda yadda. More goose-stepping PLA soldiers. The torch enters and gets passed among about a gazillion different people. My attention span has long since been exceeded. I'm tired. The final leg of the torch, a swooping airborne turn around the stadium, would have been spectacular if the previous three freaking hours hadn't worn me out. But finally, FLAME ON! Not quite Barcelona's unbelievable torch lighting in 1992, but not bad at all! There's something kind of pagan about a gigantic cauldron of fire, but hey! Why not? I hope the ceremony organizers make S'mores for everyone.

~Fireworks. MM loooooooooves fireworks. I half-expect Lauer to shriek out "The Chinese invented fireworks!!!" but he doesn't.

Enough already! Let's have some sport, shall we? It's off to the most popular Olympic sporting event of all: medal-counting.

Good night, everybody!