I was delighted, though, that Argo won Best Picture. Apparently today Iranian state TV is slamming it. Whatever. Other outlets are complaining about it for various reasons, not the least of which is about - ah - creative liberties taken with historical details. I'm actually OK with such liberties because this is a movie, not a documentary, and I'm interested in whether it works as a movie, as a gripping narrative. AND IT DOES. Kudos to Affleck too and his personal tale of failures eventually turning to success.
Still, I was really just watching for the fashions and faux pas, and there were plenty of both. Jennifer Lawrence is goofily hilarious and ever more so despite (and quite possibly because of) falling on stage in a ridiculously puffy dress (oh, bonus: chivalry lives as Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper rushed to help her up), but I also couldn't help noticing:
- George Clooney's gray-streaked beard has got to go. It looked as if it were a flesh-eating fungus determined to gulp down his neck. And it made him look old. Ben Affleck, take note.
- Jennifer Garner's strapless purple dress might have looked fine as an elegant column dress on its own, but it had BUM RUFFLES. Not only were they bum ruffles, they were a cascading waterfall of chiffon monstrosities that peeked out all around her. Lady, sit down and squash them before they destroy the earth!
- That woman who won a technical award and showed up in fuchsia pink leggings. No. Just ... no! The 80s are long gone, and not even Cyndi Lauper dresses like that anymore!
- Bradley Cooper's hair looks like an overturned wok, and it also looks twice as shiny and three times as solid.
- Heidi Klum and Catherine Zeta-Jones both attempted to look like Oscar figurines in their respective shiny gold dresses, and they both failed horribly.
- Jessica Chastain looked lovely in her bronze beaded dress - one shade lighter and it would have washed out her pale complexion entirely - and thank goodness she went for bright red lipstick. Still, why do stylists like to put redheads in beige tones? It's dreadful. Put her in plum or hunter green or the right kind of black dress!
- Helena Bonham Carter looked like a corpsy Gothic disaster, but since she looks like that at every awards show, this now just makes her boring.
- Sorry, but I wasn't a fan of Anne Hathaway's pale pink outfit. I thought it was too full of ribbons and gaps when it wasn't looking weird about her neck. Yeah, I know it's going for the trend in "side-boob," but I don't like it.
- Quentin Tarantino gets points for originality with his black leather necktie.
- Melissa McCarthy is one funny lady, but her dress wasn't amusing at all. It was a huge shapeless gray bog swamping her!
- Amy Adams was wearing a massive blue feather duster.
- Kristen Stewart continues to look like a dead-eyed, slack-jawed hot mess in ill-fitting outfits and ratty hair. Seriously, does she care at all?
- I still can't decide if I like Naomi Watts' sparkly silver dress with the unusual cut-out neckline, but she should at least get props for having one of the evening's most eye-catching gowns.
- Amanda Seyfried: Just (yawn) no.
- Reese Witherspoon. Great wavy hair, cleverly color-blocked dress that makes her waist look smaller than it is.
- Salma Hayek's dress, in a fit of jealous rage that she was getting all the attention, made a deliberate attempt to strangle her.
- I hate - and I mean hate - Norah Jones's hair.
- Brandi Glanville: NO! Absolutely not!