Life Imitates the Onion On Every Front

A few days ago I thought I had found the perfect visual distillation of this deplorable year.  As so often happens in situations like this, the year has, within the span of a mere week, somehow managed to get even worse.

Today is a day in which these things exist in the universe (in no particular order and with no attempt at being comprehensive):

• This loopy argument about an utterly reprehensible human being somehow still makes a certain kind of sick sense if you want the news media to stop being the lapdog of the executive branch and go back to being a watchdog. (Sweet Christmas, did I just say that?)
• This fangirly writeup about Nigel Farage, one of the UK's most hated public figures, doesn't seem to be ironic.  I'll say this for him: he said he wanted the UK out of the EU, and he actually saw his once-quixotic dream come to pass.  How many politicians can say that?  I mean, really.
• Since we're talking about the Brits ... The Tories have descended into a rocket-powered roller coaster of backstabbing and power-grubbing, and last I looked, the two top contenders are embroiled in a catfight of hiss-terical proportions because one apparently said something of such grandiose stupidity that it can't be real ... can it? One of these two is supposed to be the heir of Maggie Thatcher?
• Meanwhile in Australia, some frightened French holidaymakers had to call the cops to save them from "spiders as big as dinner plates." Bonus Aussie goodness: the cops said offhandedly that the tourists really should have been more worried about the 6-foot-long snake that had crawled into in their camper without being noticed. Riiiiiiiiiight.
• Oh, well, we can escape the nonstop bad news and overheated political polarization by enjoying a little art, right? NOPE.
• Now from the bastions of cherished academic freedom ... Haha, just kidding! That's PROFESSOR Big Brother to you! 
• Hell, you can't even play the universe's hottest new game without running into corpses.
• Et tu?  ET TU?  The whole thing reeks of a tawdry publicity stunt showmance as paparazzi-bait, and I definitely thought you had better taste than to stoop to that.

So let me sum up the current state of everything: "dumpster fire."  I was going to go with "omnishambles" since there's so much Britishness in the word, but I think the image of a mountain of combusting trash is so much more evocative.  In fact, I'll even hit you with some linguistic factoids about the terminology for this epic dumpster fire of a world in which we all are living.

Oh, all right. Not everything is horrible. Some things are merely batcrap crazy. Behold my pick for Headline of the Day: "A Fleet of M&M-Shooting Drones is the Black-Footed Ferret's Last Hope." And you thought it was Obi-Wan. 

Tweet of the Day: Kelly Clarkson on VMA Train Wreck

Can someone please tell Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus that their 15 minutes of fame are up?  Kelly, on the hand, can actually sing. You go, girl. You throw that shade on tasteless exhibitionists who are addicted to tabloid attention.  Enough of this trash culture!

Just saw a couple performances from the VMA's last night. 2 words.... #pitchystrippers
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) August 26, 2013

Only Ben Affleck Can Bring This Riven Nation Together

GOOD LORD, PEOPLE.  Warner Brothers announces that it cast Ben Affleck as Batman for the Superman sequel, and the Internet explodes with the rage of a thousand suns.  Apparently Ben Affleck is the only thing that can bring this deeply divided nation together ... by uniting almost everyone in their conviction that This Is The Worst Casting Decision EVAR.

OK, this is kind of funny in a way, but it's also kind of ridiculous.  (Let's look at two explosions of rage about casting, shall we?  Example of the first and the current howling.)  AFFLECK HASN'T EVEN FILMED A SINGLE FRAME AS BATMAN.  EVERYBODY CALM DOWN ALREADY, GEEZ.

I thought Man of Steel with Henry Cavill was pretty good, and as far as I'm concerned, Affleck's well and truly resurrected himself with Gone Baby Gone, The Town, and - lest we all forget - Argo. OK, so he's a better director than he is an actor, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And if I'm wrong, I'll just root for Superman to kick his butt all over Gotham.

But if you want to have fun hating Affleck today, go ahead.  I've linked to an old but still hilarious skit from Jimmy Kimmel.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

August is half over (how is this possible???), and while I am dreading the start of the school year, at least it means we'll soon have some good old-fashioned NFL action to distract us.  We've got heroes, anti-heroes, attention hogs, villains, PR nonsense, PC nonsense, rumor mills, celebrity tie-ins, and that's before we even get on the field.  But I don't want to talk about Tim Tebow or Mark Sanchez or Tom Brady or the Mannings.  Nope.  Fellow football fans, let us consider the splendor that is Robert Griffin III.

Sir Richard Branson Loses A Bet

And how!

Forgotten History: Artistic/Intellectual Feuds

Spanning the Renaissance to the modern age, here are some delicious tales of brilliant people engaging in some memorable feuds. 

State Dept. Addresses Dennis Rodman's Norkophilia

I don't know what's more ridiculous: ex-basketball player and full-time freak show Dennis Rodman, Rodman's bromance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, or the fact that some guy from State actually had to say this at a press briefing:

"Dennis Rodman has never been a player in our diplomacy, he does not represent the views of the United States, he is a private American."

Meanwhile in the real world, apparently a top Chinese Communist wants China to abandon North Korea.

Movie Madness: "Argo" Wins Best Picture

I actually watched the Oscars last night, and it was a doozy.  If you want a taste of it, see Nikki Finke's refreshingly candid live-blogging of it, and I think she's basically on target, especially with the bit about Michelle Obama's cameo. (NO, it's not the same as when Reagan did something. He was legitimately an actor before he entered politics and was once president of the Screen Actors Guild and did much in that capacity. The Obamas' endless attention-seeking in entertainment venues is getting tiresome fast. It makes serious politics into some stupid endless celebrity reality show, and I hit the mute button.  Besides, must we politicize everything?  Geez. Still, here's a zinger from the Insta-Prof.)

I was delighted, though, that Argo won Best Picture.  Apparently today Iranian state TV is slamming it.  Whatever.  Other outlets are complaining about it for various reasons, not the least of which is about - ah - creative liberties taken with historical details.  I'm actually OK with such liberties because this is a movie, not a documentary, and I'm interested in whether it works as a movie, as a gripping narrative.  AND IT DOES.  Kudos to Affleck too and his personal tale of failures eventually turning to success.

Still, I was really just watching for the fashions and faux pas, and there were plenty of both. Jennifer Lawrence is goofily hilarious and ever more so despite (and quite possibly because of) falling on stage in a ridiculously puffy dress (oh, bonus: chivalry lives as Hugh Jackman and Bradley Cooper rushed to help her up), but I also couldn't help noticing:

• George Clooney's gray-streaked beard has got to go.  It looked as if it were a flesh-eating fungus determined to gulp down his neck. And it made him look old.  Ben Affleck, take note.
• Jennifer Garner's strapless purple dress might have looked fine as an elegant column dress on its own, but it had BUM RUFFLES.  Not only were they bum ruffles, they were a cascading waterfall of chiffon monstrosities that peeked out all around her.  Lady, sit down and squash them before they destroy the earth!
• That woman who won a technical award and showed up in fuchsia pink leggings.  No.  Just ... no!  The 80s are long gone, and not even Cyndi Lauper dresses like that anymore!
• Bradley Cooper's hair looks like an overturned wok, and it also looks twice as shiny and three times as solid.
• Heidi Klum and Catherine Zeta-Jones both attempted to look like Oscar figurines in their respective shiny gold dresses, and they both failed horribly.
• Jessica Chastain looked lovely in her bronze beaded dress - one shade lighter and it would have washed out her pale complexion entirely - and thank goodness she went for bright red lipstick.  Still, why do stylists like to put redheads in beige tones?  It's dreadful.  Put her in plum or hunter green or the right kind of black dress!
• Helena Bonham Carter looked like a corpsy Gothic disaster, but since she looks like that at every awards show, this now just makes her boring.
• Sorry, but I wasn't a fan of Anne Hathaway's pale pink outfit. I thought it was too full of ribbons and gaps when it wasn't looking weird about her neck. Yeah, I know it's going for the trend in "side-boob," but I don't like it.
• Quentin Tarantino gets points for originality with his black leather necktie.
• Melissa McCarthy is one funny lady, but her dress wasn't amusing at all.  It was a huge shapeless gray bog swamping her!
• Amy Adams was wearing a massive blue feather duster.  
• Kristen Stewart continues to look like a dead-eyed, slack-jawed hot mess in ill-fitting outfits and ratty hair.  Seriously, does she care at all?
• I still can't decide if I like Naomi Watts' sparkly silver dress with the unusual cut-out neckline, but she should at least get props for having one of the evening's most eye-catching gowns.
• Amanda Seyfried: Just (yawn) no.
• Reese Witherspoon. Great wavy hair, cleverly color-blocked dress that makes her waist look smaller than it is.  
• Salma Hayek's dress, in a fit of jealous rage that she was getting all the attention, made a deliberate attempt to strangle her.
• I hate - and I mean hate - Norah Jones's hair.
• Brandi Glanville: NO! Absolutely not!

The Onion Vs. Media Priorities

The Golden Globe movie awards just took place amid the usual media frenzy about the actresses' glamorous designer outfits.  The Onion takes deadly aim.  Do take a look.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas *Hic*

A bit of salty language so this isn't for little kids, but I think it's hilarious.  Enjoy!

Drunk History Christmas with Ryan Gosling, Jim Carrey and Eva Mendes from Ryan Gosling

Satire Alert: The Onion's Sexiest Man Alive for 2012

In a brilliant takedown of People magazine's annual feature (the winner this year is Channing Tatum), the Onion too has chosen its Sexiest Man Alive for 2012.  You'll never guess who it is.

UPDATE: GLORIOUS.

My Crushing Depression Is Now Complete

First the election debacle, now this?  Ryan robbed again.  

My/his/our theme song should be Bob Seger's "Beautiful Loser."

Satire Alert: One Last Mudslinging Ad for Old Times' Sake

Ah, negative campaign ads.  Haven't we all seen more than enough this election cycle?  Hollywood.com has been playing with the whole idea by making a series of parodic smears against famous faces, so I give you my favorite.

Geek Fun: The John Scalzi vs. Wil Wheaton Twitter Feud

It's all in good fun.  Enjoy!

LOL: Fashion Faux Pas When Zooey Met Lucy

I didn't bother watching the Emmys because award shows are boooooooooooooring.  Still, the fashion statements on the red carpet are often diverting and sometimes laugh-out-loud hilarious.  Now I'd seen Zooey Deschanel's cutesypoo baby blue ballgown with all the tulle layers and Lucy Liu's insane sci-fi-ish dress with mega-sequins that looked like she was wearing a mirrorball, but I had seen the official photos.  I'm much more taken with this shot of what happened when Zooey's floaty netting met Lucy's metallic disks. Oh, and I apologize for the image of Ryan Seacrest, but it couldn't be helped!

Friday Fun Video: Nathan Fillion's Guide to Hugs

Having a tough day, gentle reader?  Me too.  Time for a hug to make everything better.  There is, though, an art to a hug.  Let's watch Firefly alum Nathan "I Really Am Ruggedly Handsome!" Fillion give a valuable lesson.  Listen up, folks!  

Note too: If you're going to hug a person, then hug the person. Don't give the recipient some lame, half-hearted, awkward, hurried, fidgety side hug.  That's uncool.

Oh, and Nathan?  You can practice those hugs on me anytime.  You wouldn't want to get rusty, after all, would you? (Hey, people, don't you judge me!  Who doesn't want to hug Nathan Fillion/Captain Reynolds/Rick Castle?  And by "hug" I mean just "hug."  Sheesh.)

Get More: Movie Trailers, Movies Blog

The New Cover of "The Economist"

Yes, this is the actual forthcoming cover of The Economist.  I thought the turtle's comment was a nice touch.  The China-Japan dispute over the Senkaku Islands has been in the news a lot lately ...

In addition: Look at the small print in the upper right corner. Is this publication actually going to run an article about Kate Middleton/the Duchess of Cambridge's  ... uh ... huge tracts of land?  I mean, the paparazzi shots of her topless on a beach have been making all the celebrity gossip rags, but come on!  Then again, as California Dreamer and I were saying earlier today, plenty of publications that aspire to seriousness have been running pieces about that ... er ... royal real estate.  Methinks it's partly one big excuse for journalists and analysts to talk about, as this sarcastic British commentator says, "boobs, boobs, glorious boobs."  (Good Lord!  Did I just blog about huge tracts of land?)  If you ask me, the boobs that really need a closer look aren't the ones on the duchess, but the ones who are in office and completely botching it.  

LOLWUT: This Is A Thing Now?

Silly.  Are we all back in middle school?  Oh, and don't you remember all the laughing when Sarah Palin wrote on her hand?  She at least wrote notes for a speech; these dipsticks are writing banalities and slogans.  Besides, we as free citizens do not pledge our allegiance to a person.  That's the sort of behavior you find in unfree places.  We do not have a "Dear Leader" in the USA.

You know what we should do instead?  Write "$16 trillion" on the hands of our little ones and upload those photos, because the kids are the ones who will be stuck with the bill.  And no, it's not funny at all.

Nerd News: James Franco and His Former NYU Professor

Nerds behaving badly?

Nerd Fun: Celebrity Silliness + Philosophy + Twitter = ?

I just got these links form a fellow nerd!  Whoever is behind these mashups is absolutely brilliant.  Check out Kim Kierkegaardashian and Justin Buber.  On a related note, this.  Oh, Internet.  What wonders you do possess!