Movie Review: 3 Superhero Flicks (2016)

OK, darlings, let's do this in chronological order: Deadpool, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, and Captain America: Civil War.

                 

Short version for the impatient: 

• Deadpool:  Irreverent, gleefully meta-misbehaving R-rated romp. B+
• Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: As sleep-inducing as rhino tranquilizers and as vacuously pretentious as college freshmen. D
• Captain America: Civil War:  Imperfect but entertaining anyway!  A-  (Was there a teensy bit of grade inflation due to comparing this face-off with DC's?  You betcha.)

For those of you who want more details, read on!

Movie Madness: Terrible Movie Reviews 1, Ben Affleck 0

The reviews are rolling in for the much-anticipated Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, and they are pretty brutal.  Look, La Parisienne and I were sure from the get-go that the flick would suck, but "30% on Rotten Tomatoes" is the kind of soul-crushing, black hole level of suck that not even I thought the thing could plunge into.  That's barely better than the 26% rating of the worst superhero movie I ever actually paid to see (that would be Green Lantern from 2011 ... and I still want my money back!).

So when someone edited a sad, sad song into this snippet of an interview with Ben "Batman" Affleck and Henry "Superman" Cavill, the internet ate it up with a Schadenfreudelicious spoon.  This thing is equal parts tragedy and comedy, and I suppose I should feel bad that I laughed, but ... The dead, glazed eyes of surrender just killed me.  At the same time, bless Cavill for bravely - nay, even heroically - soldiering on with a smile.  Take a look for yourself.  Oh, dear.  Oh, oh, dear.

PS: In case you're wondering, I still intend to go see this train wreck ... but maybe I should see Zootopia first (it may be a cartoon, but it's got 99%!).

Movie Magic: Trailer Mania

Let us obsess about the 3 trailers that just hit the Internet in the last few days.  Here they are, with the best for last (of course):

Holy Movie Review Pretending To Be Asinine Commentary, Batman!

Apparently Thomas Friedman is now quoting from The Dark Knight in an attempt to explain ISIS and Boko Haram.  An entire quarter of  his "analysis" is just lines from the movie. Dude, seriously?

Still, here's a retort worth repeating:

@AntDeRosa I swear to Zod that Friedman likely hasn't even seen Nolan's Batman films. ISIS is clearly Bane, not the Joker.
— Nicholas Slayton (@NSlayton) October 5, 2014

Movie Madness: Awesome Fan-Made Trailer For Batfleck

Remember the Ben Affleck-is-Batman freakout from last week?  Some enterprising fan has made a trailer that frankly looks spectacular.  And yes, Bryan "Walter White" Cranston as Lex Luthor would rock so hard.

Only Ben Affleck Can Bring This Riven Nation Together

GOOD LORD, PEOPLE.  Warner Brothers announces that it cast Ben Affleck as Batman for the Superman sequel, and the Internet explodes with the rage of a thousand suns.  Apparently Ben Affleck is the only thing that can bring this deeply divided nation together ... by uniting almost everyone in their conviction that This Is The Worst Casting Decision EVAR.

OK, this is kind of funny in a way, but it's also kind of ridiculous.  (Let's look at two explosions of rage about casting, shall we?  Example of the first and the current howling.)  AFFLECK HASN'T EVEN FILMED A SINGLE FRAME AS BATMAN.  EVERYBODY CALM DOWN ALREADY, GEEZ.

I thought Man of Steel with Henry Cavill was pretty good, and as far as I'm concerned, Affleck's well and truly resurrected himself with Gone Baby Gone, The Town, and - lest we all forget - Argo. OK, so he's a better director than he is an actor, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.  And if I'm wrong, I'll just root for Superman to kick his butt all over Gotham.

But if you want to have fun hating Affleck today, go ahead.  I've linked to an old but still hilarious skit from Jimmy Kimmel.

Monday Therapy: How "TDKR" Should Have Ended

Here's a bit of movie fun!  You'll recall that I reviewed The Dark Knight Rises here.  Oh, and don't miss this either.  Now on to the video, my lovelies:

Movie Review: "The Dark Knight Rises"

Christopher Nolan brings his Batman trilogy to a close by solidifying his place as the man who created the most artistic, intelligent, and substantive translation of comic book to film ever attempted ... and, more, achieved.   While the debate will rage on whether The Dark Knight Rises is the equal of 2008's monumental Dark Knight (and nobody but nobody can match Heath Ledger's Joker), the scope and scale of this film cannot be denied, and even with its flaws it still soars over the skyline of Gotham and our own imaginations.

Film Culture Commentary: Analyzing Christopher Nolan

While I work on my Dark Knight Rises review, you can go watch it yourself or take a look at this consideration of Christopher Nolan as filmmaker by the British Film Institute.  It doesn't spoil the movie, though it'll spoil The Prestige and (kind of ) Memento if you haven't already seen those.

"The Dark Knight Rises" Opens Today!

Rejoice, fellow nerds!   The day has finally come.  I shall stampede with my buddies to the theater and return with a review! Here's the trailer:

Movie Trailer: "The Dark Knight Rises"

I'm a bit behind on my movie madness since I've been preoccupied with other things, but a fresh trailer for "The Dark Knight Rises" has been released, and ... OH, YES.

Note the intimation that Catwoman believes the zero sum fallacy.  Note too that she's the villain.  Hmmmm.

UPDATE:  Oh, for crap's sake.  Then basically all my friends and I are headed to the slammer.  Kill SOPA now!  

Friday Fun Video: My Little Pony + The Dark Knight = Mashup Hilarity

Cool Video of the Day: Movie Superheroes -- the Musical

Here is the latest from It'sJustSomeRandomGuy, and it's brilliant as usual ... and even more so, because this one's a musical!

Film Culture Commentary: Best Sci-Fi Films of the Decade

Let the debate begin!

I'm delighted to see Joss Whedon's fantastic "Serenity" make the list, too. I have reviews online for "Moon," "Star Trek," and "Wall-E."

UPDATE: Another list: 20 best sci-fi flicks of the decade, including "The Dark Knight" and "Iron Man" on the basis of technology.

Film Culture Commentary: Completely Reductionist Movie Plot Summaries

Here's something for your amusement. Plotlines of well-known movies + reductio ad absurdum = hilarity! (Slight language warning.)

My personal favorites include:

• BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
• BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
• LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
• SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
• SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
• SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
• TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.

You may also like 4-word-long movie reviews. Ah, brevity really is the soul of wit.

Satire Alert: Bruce Wayne Hard Hit By Recession

Hilarious! Enjoy:

Friday Fun Video: Satire Alert as "South Park" Meets "Watchmen" and "Dark Knight"

The humorists at "South Park" have been busy! See Matt and Trey's recent jab at dark superheroes (plus a political zinger too). The guys are equal-opportunity satirists, and they take potshots at everybody -- which really makes them fair. Enjoy this little video clip:



Oh, and you can see the entire episode online at South Park Studios.

Nerd Journal: Going to See "Watchmen"

That does it. I've been trying all morning to work on a paper, and I just can't focus. Footnotes, shmootnotes. I'm going to go see a matinee of "Watchmen."

This naturally makes me "probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being" according to one Debbie Schlussel. But I think you all already knew that!

I'll be back with a movie review tomorrow maybe.

I'm expecting obscene amounts of violence, kowtowing to fanboys, great CGI, and inevitable comparisons to "The Dark Knight."

Also, a random thought: has Jeffrey Dean Morgan ever been in a role in which he isn't dead? Just askin'.

UPDATE:  Just got back.  First impressions include this thought:  could Dr. Manhattan PLEASE put on some pants?!?!?!?!

Film Culture Commentary: If Geeks Ran the Oscars

Now these would be awards worth watching!  The Oscars as they actually exist are just plain BORING.

No, gentle reader, in addition to traditional award categories like "Best Actor" and "Best Director," the Geek Oscars would have fabulous new categories like "Best Scene of Crap Getting Blown Up" and "Best Attempt to Earn the Fanboys' Wrath."  

Movie Madness Returns: the Holiday Movie Season!

I do love my movies. This means that for me, the year is broken up into Summer Movie Season, Holiday Movie Season, and the Limbo of Lame Flicks that occupies all other times. Generally speaking, summer is for blockbuster, loud, colorful, mindless fun, while winter is for family films, often second-tier action movies, silly holiday-themed flicks, and Oscar Bait. Lots and lots of Oscar Bait.

Summer 2008 was, overall, a good one, buoyed up by the joys of "Iron Man," The Dark Knight," and "Tropic Thunder."

Now it's time to look forward to the holiday movie season. What flicks will I be going to see with my cronies? I'm thinking these:

• "Quantum of Solace." New James Bond film. What can I say? Granted, Dirty Harry hated it and Christian Toto isn't crazy about the movie either, which means that I lower my expectations. Also, can someone please tell me what the heck is a "quantum of solace"? And can solace actually be measured in any meaningful way? Why does the title sound like something right out of a physics seminar? One more thing, if I may: I know the whole "Daniel Craig is Bond" is an attempt to reboot the franchise, but are the moviemakers going to wipe out everything that make a Bond flick a Bond flick and not just another spy action movie? I'm talking about Moneypenny, gadgets, quips, giggleworthy names, and all that.
  
• "Bolt." OK, fine. It's a cutesypoo cartoon. Puppies.
  
• "Twilight." Oh, this thing is going to be dreadful, so naturally La Parisienne and I are planning to go see it so we can mock and jeer. Hey, nobody said you had to like a movie in order to see it. In fact, we're thinking that a happily harsh little hatefest might be cathartic!
• "Australia." Why? I want some gorgeous Aussie cinematography, that's why. I don't care about Nicole Kidman, but Hugh Jackman's OK.
  
• "Transporter 3." I won't be going because I want to, but I can guarantee you that the Cinema-Mad Sibling will want to see it -- and will drag me along. Same for the next one:
• "Punisher: War Zone."
  
• "The Day the Earth Stood Still." Science fiction! Admittedly, the presence of Keanu Reeves (have you noticed that his expression never changes from movie to movie?) is something of a warning, but then again, it couldn't possibly be worse than "Constantine."
• "The Tale of Despereaux." It looks like "Ratatouille" Redux, but a little cuteness might be good after the guaranteed bloody nonsense of "Transporter" and "Punisher."
  
• "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Fascinating premise, but I don't care much for Brad Pitt. Makeup should be amazing.
  
• "Defiance." A girl can only watch a certain number of World War II period filcks over Christmas holidays, and I think I'd rather see Daniel Craig than Tom "Valkyrie" Cruise.

I'm not even really excited about any of these. I feel jaded!