World Cup 2014: Germany Wins It All!

Die Mannschaft beat Argentina 1-0 and the Germans are now the Weltmeister.  I was also amused by the various sartorial antics of the fans, not to mention this comment on the president of the hilariously corrupt FIFA and his companions:

Angela Merkel at the World Cup with a venal, authoritarian leader. And Vladimir Putin is there too. pic.twitter.com/otQ2nskfG5
— Shashank Joshi (@shashj) July 13, 2014

Since this IS 2014 and no event is complete without a selfie or two, here you go. The selfie game is strong with this one.

AHA! pic.twitter.com/iK5hbfm7Hr
— Lukas-Podolski.com (@Podolski10) July 13, 2014

Selfie 2…:-) pic.twitter.com/RJh7RnXXUw
— Lukas-Podolski.com (@Podolski10) July 13, 2014

Congratulations to the Germans!

UPDATE: The Onion comments hilariously.

World Cup LOL: What If We All Behaved Like Soccer Players?

World Cup 2014: Brazil Was Die Mannschaft-ed 7-1

You don't have to like soccer to appreciate the historic moment in sports history.  You don't even have to like sports to appreciate the epic quality of the German victory.  The match happened yesterday, but it's taken this long for the results to sink in.  At the time, all that my buddies and I felt was shock and disbelief ... and we were cheering for Germany!  Even the great Beckenbauer tweeted, "What was that? Hard to believe."

Was war das? Kaum zu glauben #BRAGER
— Franz Beckenbauer (@beckenbauer) July 8, 2014

I thought the match was going to be a tough fight that Brazil would barely win in the end given the absence of injured Neymar.  I wasn't expecting a brutal 7-1 beatdown that looked as if the Brazilians were a Little League team going up against the New York Yankees.  As the demoralized Brazilians completely collapsed in appalling fashion, the rampant Germans scored 5 times in the first half hour, and there are no words for this:

UPDATE: I had linked to a Vine of the first 5 goals, but that's been taken down since this post went online.  As a consolation prize, let me give you another Vine.  The French sports publication L'Equipe just made this Vine of a LEGO version of the poor Brazilian goalie. Aw, just look at his expressions:

The sports commentary in the aftermath of the match has been wild.  How do you describe such an epic performance?  It's World Cup history being made in front of you.  My crew and I ended up feeling bad for the Brazilians being destroyed on their own turf even as we marveled at the impeccable Germans.  You almost wanted a mercy rule to kick in and put Brazil out of its misery.  How the mighty have fallen indeed.  

The game summed up in a picture. pic.twitter.com/VWRouf1sHo

— World Cup 2014 (@PostWorldCup) July 8, 2014

Up in the ESPN booth, former German team captain Michael Ballack was over the moon, and who could blame him?  (Lookin' goooooood there, Mike!)

Updated. Michael Ballack. #BRAvsGER pic.twitter.com/Lh3ZhKRzfo
— Alexi Lalas (@AlexiLalas) July 8, 2014

The Netherlands take on Argentina today for the other spot in the final.  I like the Dutch very much, but I think a Germany-Argentina final would be just brilliant ... especially if (when?) the Germans crush the Argentines into dust.

Oh, and the German team is being classy in victory.  Good for them.

World Cup 2014: Great Run, Team USA!

It was a great run, and just think: we made it into the Round of 16, something that supposedly better teams could not manage.  We lost to Belgium 2-1, and the last 15 minutes were insane.

Man of the hour: US goalie Tim Howard, who racked up a record-setting 16 saves.  Absolutely amazing.  After the match Belgium team captain Vincent Kompany went on Twitter to salute him:

Two words.. TIM HOWARD #Respect #BelUSA
— Vincent Kompany (@VincentKompany) July 1, 2014

Howard is currently the darling of the Internet (check out the hilarious hashtag #ThingsTimHowardCouldSave) and rightfully so.  Look what one fan did on Wikipedia:

World Cup 2014: US vs. Belgium in the Round of 16

Whoohoo, we're in the knockout round!  We're up against Belgium this afternoon (time to get pumped!), so here's a little video for a humorous nod to the idea of "Know thy enemy," haha:

Prince Harry to the Rescue in Chile

World Cup TV-repairing chivalry.  Hey, you think this is a joke?  Soccer is a religion!  Too bad Chile just lost to Brazil, though.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog vs. the World Cup

Triumph strikes again.

LOL: Nobel Peace Laureates and the World Cup

Hey, we're all for peace and harmony and the brotherhood of man ... except when it's World Cup time, because we must crush the other team into dust and dance on the grave of its championship hopes.

Say what you will, but Nobel laureates hilariously talking trash is a LOT better than the disgusting spectacle of Uruguay's reprehensible Luis Suarez biting Italy's Giorgio Chiellini yesterday.  The Onion was right about him.

World Cup: Fit To Be Tied

Well, the US and Portugal tied 2-2 last night, and my crew and I were NOT HAPPY.  Still, in retrospect, it was a crazy match, and Portugal - I have to hand it to them - actually made their desperation into a last-second goal to stay alive in the tournament. (Still, my favorite reaction was a buddy's who saw it and screamed, "ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!")  Next up we get to face Germany, and it will be a case of the current girlfriend meeting the ex, as Klinsmann used to coach the German team and now he's coaching ours.

Aside from the action on the pitch, though, the US fans in the stands provided plenty of entertainment from the folks dressed as the Statue of the Liberty to this utterly magnificent madness as captured by ESPN:

Stellar celebrations from @USSoccer fans, including a Teddy Roosevelt look-alike -> https://t.co/TdR6P0zpEm
— ESPN (@espn) June 22, 2014

World Cup: Spain's Out

The defending champions are out.  Is there a World Cup curse? Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, and three times is a pattern?  

The World Cup's Most Expressive Referee

Tsk tsk tsk!

World Cup: US 2, Ghana 1

From yesterday: There was much rejoicing in the land.

If Cartoon Minions Played Soccer

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

This has got to be the best goal yet in this tournament. Take a look at some glorious still photos here, but I can't stop watching the animated gif:

UPDATE:  "The perfect sports photo."  Plus ridiculous video.

The World Cup Is Here! Get Yer Hate On, Sports Fans!

For your amusement, you get not one but two haters' guides to the World Cup, both hilarious in their intentionally hyperbolic hatred and gross national stereotyping.  Here you go:

• Hater 1
• Hater 2

Obviously the caveat is that if you are easily offended, don't bother.  Then again, if you were easily offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, right?

By the way, I think my favorite insult from the haters' guides is this:

Colombia: Oh hey, how'd you guys get in? DRUGS.  You're not fooling anyone here, Colombia.  When a rich guy moves in next door and I never see him commute or he runs a shop that appears to have no customers but he lives like a rich man anyway, I suspect drugs.  And that is how you got here.  We all know that FIFA chooses its host countries and tourney entrants by demanding briefcases full of bearer bonds and bondage hookers and DRUGS.  So many drugs. Enough drugs to make your eyes bleed.  That's how you bought your way in.

You know why it's so funny?  Because it's riffing on the widely known fact that FIFA is laughably, obviously corrupt.

World Cup 2014 Prelude: What If England Actually Wins It?

The biggest sporting event in the world Universe begins tomorrow, so here's a humorous what-if.