Movie Madness: Golden Globes Are a Collective Fashion FAIL

Last year was so bad that I didn't even bother with it this year.  (As usual, the fearless Nikke Finke live-blogged -- er, live-snarked the entire train wreck of a production.  She deserves hazard pay.)  I spared a few moments' attention just for the fashion, and that ended up being a total waste of time too.  Almost everybody looked awful.  I mean, seriously, now -- for as much money as these people throw around, you'd think they could get better stylists.  What is wrong with these celebrities?  Dress-by-dress takedown after the jump!

• Angelina Jolie wore a ghastly long-sleeved green dress made from equal parts polyester and plastic Easter grass. 
• Anne Hathaway, perhaps in acknowledgment of the never-ending recession, wore a dress that looked as though it were made entirely of pennies glued together.
• Michelle Williams wore her floral shower curtain.  Seriously, look at her awful dress and tell me if it wouldn't look better hanging on a bathtub.
• Emma Stone, cute energetic young actress of "Easy A," where are you?   Purposely making herself as ugly and invisible as possible, apparently, with a horrible blonde hairdo and a peach dress that made her look like a walking paint chip from Home Depot.
• Olivia Wilde is still lost in the digital computerized world of "Tron," because her dress looked as though a computer screen had vomited all its pixels all over it.  At least they sort of covered up the brown fluffy mess of fabric underneath that looked like a wad of used coffee filters.
• Kyra Sedgwick looked like a pumpkin pie.  Thanksgiving's over, sweetie.
• Heidi Klum ... What was that?  You're auf!
• Julianne Moore's hot pink monstrosity made me cringe. Seriously.  It had only one sleeve ... and it was a puffy leg-of-mutton sleeve.  Somewhere the elegant Edwardian-era Gibson Girl is spinning in her grave.
• Scarlett Johansson actually didn't look like something the cat dragged in after a three-day-long catnip bender, but her outfit did nothing for her, which would explain why it will now have to go into witness protection to escape the millions of Scarlett fans furious that they got no decent cleavage shots.  Oh, and what is wrong with her hair?!
•  Catherine Zeta-Jones decided to wear her sofa.
• Now was it just me, or did Eva Longoria in her inkblot of a dress look like the Wicked Witch of the West as she was melting?  
• Lea Michele was kind enough to aid our collective fashion heartburn by wearing a dress made of solidified Pepto-Bismol.
• Natalie Portman raided "Beauty and the Beast" for the sparkly rose on her dress.  After seeing it there, "Beauty and the Beast" doesn't want it back.
• January Jones channeled all her "I'm an ancient Egyptian seductress" fantasies into a dress that both managed to show too much skin and be utterly ugly at the same time.
• Mila Kunis' emerald gown was a good color, but the whole thing looked like it desperately needed to be ironed, and her hair resembled nothing as much as a rugby ball slammed onto her skull.
• Sandra Bullock's bangs-of-doom made her totally look like the Scary Next-Door Neighbor.
• Halle Berry wearing underwear as outerwear ... Sweetie, Madonna beat you to it.  Twenty years ago.
• Out of all the fashion debacles, there is nevertheless a clear winner in awfulness, and it is ... *drum roll* ... Helena Bonham Carter.  I can't even begin to describe her outfit.  All I'm going to say is: she wore one red shoe and one green shoe, and it all goes downhill from there faster than Picabo Street.

Was there anybody who didn't look completely horrible?  (Aside from Dame Helen Mirren, though I hated her necklace?)  Well, it's harder for the guys to be total fashion disasters because you'd really have to try to mess up a good tuxedo, but that didn't mean people didn't TRY. *cough* Justin Bieber! Johnny Depp!  *cough*  Still, I rather liked Robert Downey, Jr.'s choice of a nice gray suit with a bright crimson tie.  OK, so it wasn't a formal monkey suit, but it looked confident yet dressed-up and just a little bit playful.  Goodness, I do love me some RDJ when he's behaving himself and looking put-together.  So on that note, I'm signing off.  No more fashion rants until the Oscars, kids!