- Halle Berry's hairdo looked like a feather duster, with bits sticking up every which way as though she had dried her hair in a wind tunnel.
- Hilary Swank looked like she wore a feather duster.
- Gwyneth Paltrow's golden metallic get-up was ... just ew! Maybe she was attempting to be an Oscar statuette. Rumor has it that she's going to sing tonight. Ugh! I hated her singing schtick on Glee and I'll probably hate her here too.
- Surprisingly enough, Helena Bonham Carter didn't look like a total lunatic tonight; she was (for her, anyway) subdued in classic black.
- Sandra Bullock lost her terrifying bangs from the Golden Globes (whew!) and looked OK in red ... but the Oscars aren't for "OK." She looked -- sorry to say this, sweetie -- tired, as if her bun hairdo were an afterthought hurriedly done in the limo on the way there.
- Mila Kunis's peekaboo lavender lace gown was OK, but the pale hue did nothing for her.
- Anne Hathaway's crimson dress looked fine until your eyes reached the skirt, at which point you too will be forced to ask why ugly lopsided fabric roses were clinging to that dress like hungry remoras on a hapless shark.
- Cate Blanchett's dress was, unfathomably, covered with Nerds candies.
- Natalie Portman was wearing tassels for earrings. Hey, what high school graduation mortarboard did you steal those from?
- I don't know if I actually like Nicole Kidman's origami-ish cream dress with sparkly bits glued on, but her ponytail hairdo seemed out of place with that.
- I've been most entranced at this point by Penelope Cruz's red sequin gown, though that was probably because I was half-expecting her enormous bosoms to stage a desperate jailbreak from that bodice.
- OK, OK, young Hailee Steinfeld did look cute.
UPDATE: Good grief, the actual broadcast has started, and it is PAINFUL. I'm done! As usual, Nikki Finke is live-snarking this debacle.
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