This is satire, but only just barely, given the unbelievable, mind-boggling incompetence going on in DC:
An update on your impending bombing: we are waiting for Congress to come back into session and hoping to work out our autumn schedule at that point.
With the NFL season kicking off in earnest on Sunday, September 8, and series premieres rolling out through most of the month, scheduling your punishment is not going to be easy. We thought we had an opening on September 20 but Secretary of State Kerry refuses to DVR Shark Tank.
While we’re on the topic of scheduling, if you had it to do over again, would you have scheduled the gassing for mid-August? I mean, seriously, do you guys vacation? Do you have any idea how hard it is for our government officials to look stern and judgmental against the backdrop of a yacht club?
Anyway, our indignation at you gassing your own people hasn’t faltered, blah blah blah. A carefully-measured, congressionally-approved (fingers crossed) response awaits you. We’ll send a scheduler.
President Barack Obama