Nerd Victory Is Mine!

Remember the Shakespeare haiku contest?  The judges have deliberated, and I won second place!  Don't tell the Nerd Lords, though, who would be horrified to know that instead of working on Nerdpocalypse Now research and writing I'm running off to enter poetry contests, heh!  Admittedly I dashed off that haiku in 5 minutes while rushing out the door to go to school.

Nerd Fun: Shakespeare Haiku Contest

Let's have some fun with the horrible new Roland Emmerich film "Anonymous" and its championing of an execrable conspiracy theory.  A pox on it!  Take a look at this contest on a Shakespeare professor's blog!  The deadline for submissions is 11:59 PM on November 3.  My entry is:

Want real fantasy 

Told with skill? Screw Emmerich. 

Go read "The Tempest."

The Cinema-Mad Sibling Reviews: "The Green Hornet"

Green is the new black

Hornet sting is stylish, sharp

Wait no, it's Kato's.

The Cine-Sib's "Jonah Hex" Haiku Review

Enjoy!

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib Reviews "Jonah Hex"

I had forgotten to post this before, but here it is.  Thus saith the Cinema-Mad Sibling about the movie adaptation of the steampunk comic book: 

"Jonah Hex" is a steaming pile of elephant dung.  Grade: F-

WOW.  An F-, no less.  I had teased him about seeing the flick just to see Megan Fox run around in a corset bustier.  (He said bustier.  My error, now corrected.)  Apparently even that wasn't enough.  Details of Cine-Sib disgust soon to follow.  "Jonah Hex" only got a rating of 13% on Rotten Tomatoes, as 123 of 142 movie critics hated it.  The utterly brutal reviews are undoubtedly more fun than the movie that they're shredding!


UPDATE 1:  Another bon mot from the Cine-Sib about the flick: "Its badness is like that of 'Constantine.'"  Oh, snap!  "Constantine" was horrible.  I asked if the Cine-Sib thought "Jonah Hex" was even worse than "Van Helsing," which he also hated and calls "Van Hel-stink."  He replied that "Van Hel-stink" was (marginally) better because Kate Beckinsale was in it. Heh.


UPDATE 2: Cine-Sib haiku is finally here!

What were they thinking
Comic movie epic fail
What was I thinking 

Malkovich villain
Will Arnett, freakin GOB ha!
Tom Wopat needs cash 

Nothing redeeming
Megan Fox act'ally not bad
Fast forward this flick 

Uwe Boll quality
Least Ben Kingsley not in it
Totally syfy 

FFFFF
FFFFFFF
FFFFF

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib Reviews the "Karate Kid" Remake

On the whole, he liked it.

Karate Kid is a surprisingly well-acted & directed remake of the 1984 classic, reimagined as a fish-out-of-water tale in China with kung fu, NOT karate (cue marketing misnomer stir, purists). Its tautly-paced 140 minutes foster proper character development, with levity ensconced in pathos infused with effective emotional gravitas by Jaden Smith & Jackie Chan, eschewing his usual schtick & giving his best dramatic performance.

(Dude, the Cine-Sib actually used the word "gravitas"?)

Here comes the haiku!

Jacket on and off
That could be annoying, man
Just shut up and train

Hollywood Remake?
Really, couldn't really tell
They did a good job

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib Reviews "Red Cliff"

The Cinema-Mad Sibling LOVED this flick. Here's his review:

Red Cliff is a return to form for Hong Kong director John Woo, exemplifying the art of war vividly in this historical epic centering on the decisive Battle of Red Cliffs in 208 AD Han-Dynasty China where outnumbered allied rebels with Spartan odds outsmart the near-unstoppable imperial army. The most expensive Asian film ever, it shows onscreen with grand-scale elaborate land/sea battles, unmatched in ANY film. Period.

Dude, that was awesome
Hollywood can't do this stuff
Dude, that was awesome

Well, that sounds like unqualified praise, all right!

He also suggests this trailer:

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib Reviews "Iron Man 2"

The Cinema-Mad Sibling recently went to see "Iron Man 2" and then dashed off a review, complete with haiku:

Iron Man 2 pales in comparison to 2008's pitch-perfect origin story, egregiously eschewing brevity and pace for bloated exposition, opting for plot/character developments that seemingly stifle narrative flow, but does fully expand on the universe created before it, incorporating more Avengers storyline, amping up the sensory overload and culminating in a bravura-directed action showdown finale worth the admission.


Bigger not better
Longer not better
Favreau, edit it!

Talked too much at first
Should have opened with action
Blame it on the script

Rhodie, what happened?
Did you get plastic surgery?
Re-casting is dumb

Captain America!
Stay for Thor's Hammer!
War Machine spinoff!

It's basically what I was afraid of: that would not rise to the heights of its glorious original. In a way I suppose it's inevitable, since a sequel just can't possibly contain the same thrill of discovery. I'm still going to see it anyway, though -- that and "Robin Hood."

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib Reviews "Brooklyn's Finest"

Here it is:

Brooklyn's Finest is a nihilistic, clichéd, overwrought, overacted, forced exercise in gratuitousness whose portrayal of three washed-up cops on the brink of moral anarchy falls victim to its own bleak reality as the director's overzealous ambition to emphasize the outlandishly visceral and gritty backfires, resulting in a criminally frustrating, uneven, meandering mash-up that fails to advance or do the genre any justice.

And Wesley Snipes didn't even get to do kung fu.

Undercover sucks.
Never live in Brooklyn, no!
What was the point?

Some stupid moron
brought his toddler to this flick.
Stupid idiot.

(See also on Rotten Tomatoes.)

Awesome: Godzilla Haiku

Even more Godzilla haiku here!

More Cine-Sib Haiku for "The Book of Eli"

The haiku keep coming! Oh, and one poem clearly betrays the Cinema-Mad Sibling's fascination with a certain young Ukraine-born actress.

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib On "The Book of Eli"

I'm back in Nerdworld (sigh). I haven't seen new post-apocalyptic flick "The Book of Eli" yet, but I want to (it stars the awesome Denzel Washington and the also awesome Gary Oldman).

The Cinema-Mad Sibling, back home, went to see the flick on opening night, January 15, and I got two pithy responses from him. Here they are, and they seem kind of contradictory:

The text message as he left the theater:

"Hmm, OK, uneven but unique. Go watch . . . People will either love or hate it. Don't wanna give anything away; don't read any spoilers."

The now-standard haiku-review:

Had high hopes for this
Martial arts were really hyped
Kind of a letdown

Hmmm. Well, AICN's Massawyrm apparently LOVED the flick. I'll go see it! Come on, it has DENZEL. I've been a fan of the great actor ever since "Glory."

UPDATE: More Cine-Sib haiku!

Mila Mila Mi
La Mila Mila Mila
Mila Mila Mi

Underdeveloped
11th hour plot twist
Anticlimactic

Fighting the good fight
The killing is symbolic here
Staying on the path

The Cinema-Mad Sibling Reviews "Daybreakers"

The Cine-Sib and I recently went to see the new vampire movie "Daybreakers" with some of our friends. Here is the latest Cine-Sib haiku review:

The world is undead.
Humans are farmed for their blood.
But is there a cure?

My own review will be online later. Caveat: there is a lot of gore in this flick! It's of a video-game, horror-flick schtick ludicrous sort of gore, though, so my buddies and I were laughing uproariously in our seats.

Short version of my review: I liked it. Come on, just think -- Sam Neill as a vampire villain! Besides, this flick is an anti-"Twilight." You can read this until I get my own review done.

Movie Review: First Impressions of "Avatar" + Cine-Sib Haiku (Updated with More Haiku!)

Pretty much, yeah. (Via Geeks Are Sexy.)

Two nights ago, the Cinema-Mad Sibling and I went to see "Avatar" in 3D IMAX.

Initial impressions with full review to come:

• Visual sensory supersaturation overload. I literally got a pounding physical headache by the end of it.
  
• Special effects were grand and grandiose, but after a while, they actually began to distract and even to bore. I could go on, but see the end of Part 6 here for the basic idea.
• The plot is basically both completely derivative and completely asinine. Everyone and their grandma's been saying how it's a total ripoff of "Dances With Wolves" (which is itself not that original either, but it's probably the best-known recent-ish flick that has the white-man-goes-native idea), and it's true. The flick is "Dances With Space Smurfs in psychedelic Ferngully." Plus "The Last Samurai."
  
• James Cameron rips off plenty of movies, and he also rips off himself.
• The flick is definitely worth seeing once in full 3D IMAX big-screen glory for full appreciation of its visual splendor, but the narrative is idiotic and a mishmash of just about every other kind of soggy sentiment about White Guilt, the Exotic Other, and the Noble Savage.
• Sam Worthington does a fine job as Jake Sully. Well, in as far as he can do a good job in his role. The Aussie actor's personal charisma manages to make Sully not completely stupid (just as it managed to make his Marcus Wright character in the disappointing "Terminator: Salvation" virtually that movie's only bright spot besides Anton Yelchin).
  
• You'll never look at USB connections in the same way again.
• In terms of CGI that "looks real," this is good, but it comes in the aftermath of Gollum of "Lord of the Rings" and the flick that for me really did break ground in special effects, 1993's "Jurassic Park." Those darn dinosaurs looked believable. "Avatar" and Pandora looked like we'd suddenly been sucked into a massive (though beautiful) video game. OK, I can't help myself: floating mountains? Puh-leeez.
• UNOBTAINIUM?????
  

I have to go now, but you can read these reviews until I post my full review:

• io9's take
• Crazy alien fetish

Yes, the Sib loved "Avatar." He says that the special effects are awesome even though the story is weak and cliched. This prompted (natch) an argument about spectacle versus substance. Pretty images just aren't enough to merit the praise of greatness.

Anyway, here are his haiku reviews:

Story seen before
Sensory overload, CRASH!
A big Blue Man Group.

White man v. natives
White man becomes a native
White man kills his own

Hometree is massive
Really big ethernet hub
Hey girl, plug me in

Final battle, wow!
Inorganic, organic
Metal versus flesh

Conversations with the Cine-Sib, Plus "Sherlock Holmes" Movie Review Haiku

It's great to be back with the Cinema-Mad Sibling and our friends! Yesterday the Cine-Sib and I went to watch "Sherlock Holmes" with La Parisienne and Foxtrot (yay!).

Now, the post is entitled "Conversations with the Cine-Sib," so here are a couple notable quotables ending with his haiku review of the Holmes flick.

On the current president:

"Obambi's just like Ma (Ying-jeou)! He gives great speeches and looks pretty, but then you elect him and find out that his policies are crap and that the guy's a d*****bag."

(Here's an example.)


On the Pantybomber/Undi-bomber/Boxers-or-Briefs Bomber:

You know, gentle reader, this may finally shut up all those multiculti apologists and security ostriches who just want to talk to terrorists and appease them in the hope of getting them to stop trying to murder people. Because ...

"How do you reason with a guy who's willing to set his own junk on fire?"


And finally . . . *drum roll please* . . .

The Cine-Sib Haiku Review of "Sherlock Holmes":

Finally it's here
What a Holmes movie should be
The game is afoot.

Surprisingly good
Completely reinvented
Bring on the sequel

Characters are real
Flawed but all have certain depth
Believable, yeah

Yes, he liked it so much that he wrote 3 haiku instead of just 1. My own review will be online shortly. UPDATE: My full review is now online.

OK, now I'm off to make eggs Benedict for the MM clan.

Haiku Movie Review: the Cine-Sib on "Blood: the Last Vampire"

The Cinema-Mad Sibling has just seen the Japanese vampire flick, "Blood: the Last Vampire." Here is the haiku review:

CGI, acting
Way bad, Hong Kong action cool
Better than Twilight

Haiku Movie Review: the Cine-Sib on "Gamer" and "Final Destination 3D"

The Cinema-Mad Sibling gave us his prose movie review earlier, and now he's back with the poetic versions.

For "Gamer":

Action junkies, yeah!
Leonidas versus Dexter.
Once you're fragged, you're dead.

For "Final Destination 3D":

In your face 3D
Shows gory deaths well
Gets old really quick.

Movie Review: the Cinema-Mad Sibling Reviews "District 9"

Last night the Cine-Sib went to see the new sci-fi flick "District 9," which is set in Johannesburg, South Africa, involves insectoid space aliens, and has been receiving a lot of buzz for being an apartheid metaphor.

I saw it a couple of days ago, and maybe I'll get around to writing a review. The Cine-Sib liked the movie very much and wrote his review in haiku:

Shrimp from outer space
Are more human than we are.
Let 'em phone home, K?

The Cinema-Mad Sibling's Haiku Movie Review: "GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

I have no intention of going to see the new "GI Joe" flick, now currently being savagely torn to shreds by critics everywhere.

The Cine-Sib, though, saw it this weekend, and he liked it. He has reviewed it with 4 haiku (4!). Here they are:

Awesome action yeah
Toy-to-movie done right on
Baroness is hot

Worthy of sequel
Perfect for us shallow folk
Scarlet is hot too

Van Helsing this ain't
Stephen Sommers, you're redeemed
More movies like this

Baroness spin off
Definite moneymaker
Lis'ning, studio?

Oh, for goodness sake. Can you possibly drool any more over the Baroness/Sienna Miller? I don't think she's very pretty at all. She's got that Gwyneth Paltrow "pale, skinny, snooty, ice princess" air. (No, I'm NOT going to post a photo of Sienna Miller! You can do your own research.) So, anyway, there you go, dear reader, my sibling weighs in as a member of the coveted 18-to-35-year-old male demographic.

As for me, I'm off to see "Julie and Julia" just for Meryl Streep's portrayal of that inimitable, awesome kitchen goddess, Julia Child. (We love you, Julia! We miss you terribly! How could you go and leave us to the tender mercies of Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee on Food Network? But I digress.)

Movie Review: the Cine-Sib on "Star Trek"

In terms of looks alone, set phasers on "STUN."

Here's some background. The Cinema-Mad Sibling went to a late-night premiere last night, and this morning he called me with groggy enthusiasm. He sounded completely exhausted but also completely delighted. He proceeded to proclaim that he wore a red shirt to the cinema last night in honor of all the nameless red shirt ensigns (otherwise known as "cannon fodder on Kirk-Spock-McCoy away missions"). Funny guy, that Cine-Sib.

So! Since he was so tired, I didn't demand a full review, but I did want some immediate feedback.

"Review it in one word!" I said.

"Kick butt!"

"That's two words."

"Not if you HYPHENATE it. Kick-butt. One word."

"Whatever."

He'll return later with a full review, but he just sent me a review in haiku. Here it is!

Star Trek new again
About time they got it right
Uhura... uh-hot

As for the Cine-Sib fuss about Uhura (Zoe Saldana), here's a little visual aid:

"Hailing frequencies open"
= Star Trekspeak for "What's your number, baby?"