Satire Alert (?): A Modest Proposal for Personal Bailouts

Is this really satire or a brilliant scheme that's too brilliant for the real world?

My friend Alessandra has a counter-proposal for the estimated $700 billion government bailout. She suggested instead that the government not bail out those big financial operations. Instead, it should take that $700 billion and divide it up among every American over the age of 18.

For the sake of argument, I'll only use the number of 300 million, which is the most recent number for the American population. Divide up $700 billion among 300 million. You do the math! 300 million personal financial bailouts.

What would you do with your share? I'd first pay off all my debts (school loan-debt is a curse), buy a few things (like a house -- forget a mortgage too, as I'll just slap down the full sum for it), invest and save most of the cash wisely, and cheerfully declare financial stability. I'd set up a charity so I can do some philanthropy, like set up scholarships for hard-working but poor students, create support programs for people trying to get off government welfare (but they have to be actively trying to achieve independence!), and give some money to local libraries. Then I'd throw a few things in a suitcase, grab all my friends, and disappear for a nice long holiday in Euroland and Asia. Then maybe I'll buy an island and use it as my headquarters for my evil plan to take over the world or hold it ransom for . . ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Ooops, sorry, too many movies!

Seriously, though: the Alessandra Bailout would enable millions of Americans to get out of debt and spend money like maniacs, therefore giving the economy a big boost. Also, the plan would place the onus for financial wisdom and future solvency squarely on the INDIVIDUAL. The government can, and should, say, "Here's your one-time bailout. That's all. After this, no more help."

Wouldn't the Alessandra Plan be kind of . . . awesome? Oh, and it would bypass the whole superstructure of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, etc. Instead of saving them, the Alessandra Bailout would save individuals. It'd even let all those fools who got bad mortgages the ability to pay off those things and own those houses that they shouldn't have gotten in the first place.

OK, so this little plan would never happen in real life. But if you think it's stupid, then you should tell me why the $700 billion government bailout to prop up rotten Wall Street operations is any better.

UPDATE: Great minds think alike, apparently!