Saturday, November 21, 2009

Magnificent Verbal Venom + Movie Reviews as Film Critics Shred "New Moon"

The reviews are more entertaining than this craptastic movie could possibly hope to be! There are few things in this world as enjoyable as a truly angry movie review, and I have an entire collection of fabulous takedowns for you. "Twilight" Derangement Syndrome has now reached pandemic proportions, along with MM Blog's unbridled savage glee.

~"This is not a review. It's a cautionary tale." And:
New Moon is a juvenile, overly dramatic love story that takes the Romeo and Juliet theme, duct tapes it around a giant, cartoonish hammer, and slams it into your head for 130 minutes to the point where you expect zombie Shakespeare to burst into the back of the theater screaming, "ENOUGH ALREADY!!" This movie is pain. Save yourself, if you can.
~"This movie moves like the line at the post office."

~"There is one thing to be said about the way [director Chris] Weitz handles time travel. He can make two hours and 10 minutes seem like a thousand years." This is from the same review that had this to say about Michael Sheen's appearance as a vampire noble: "He looks like a hung-over pixie who's spent too long at the bottom of the garden." *snort-giggle* (Oh, Michael -- how far you've fallen from the grace you got in "Frost/Nixon." How much did they pay you for this vampire gig? How pressed for cash were you? Take the money and run, pal.)

~Apparently the flick is so awful that it can drive critics to overt violence, as Flick Filosopher has found the outermost limit of her patience: "There’s a movie within the movie that is New Moon, and it’s an action flick called Face Punch. Its tagline is: “Let’s do this!” Now I just need a face to punch."

~"I don't know that I've ever seen a fantasy world filled with less imagination or ambition. It's like Stephenie Meyer had one original idea - the truly ludicrous concept that vampires sparkle in the sun - and then just gave up." And then there's this zinger:
Bella is a retrograde nightmare. If the Twilight books had been written by a man many of the grown women I know who love the series would have been disgusted by the appalling misogyny on display. Other, better writers have covered the series' Cro-Magnon take on sexual politics better than I could, but I will say that as it relates to New Moon these sexual politics essentially sink the movie. Bella's only emotional modes are horribly needy and annoyingly depressed; spending time with this character is torture. That anyone could relate to her on any level frightens me; I have to assume that it's Bella's utter blankness and emptiness as a character that allows girls to project themselves into her hollow shell.

And my favorite:
~"I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any."

If you want more film critic savagery, you can go to RottenTomatoes, where "New Moon" is currently rated at 29%, a number that should have any half-thinking person fleeing the theater.

Golly, I've hated that creepy undead stalker Edward Cullen from the moment I met him in the book, and I've hated Bella too whenever I'm not wanting to knock some sense into her vapid, self-obsessed pea brain. How can anybody want to be like Bella? How anybody possibly think that Edward is a romantic hero? The fact that the series has so many fans is just SCARY. The excuse that it's escapist fantasy doesn't convince me in the slightest. My idea of escapist fantasy right now is doing some serious violence, preferably in the form of reducing Edward to a smoldering pile of ashes -- the only kind of "smoldering" that should ever be applied to him. And Bella needs to spend some time with my friends and me so we can teach her how to be an awesome chick ... though probably La Parisienne and company would first have to (metaphorically) kick her whiny butt. Anyway, someday maybe I'll write about how the whole "Twilight" series is a pile of psychologically screwed up, borderline-misogynistic garbage that gives its silly adolescent fangirls a horrible picture of relationships, but right now I'll just say this: Oh, Buffy, Buffy. Where are you when we need you?

I am SO rehashing an old fantasy:
sticking Edward Cullen in an empty warehouse and then throwing in Buffy Summers, Faith Lehane, Van Helsing, Blade, Sam and Dean Winchester, and all the weapons these delightful vampire-hunters could possibly desire or imagine. Add too La Parisienne, Kamikaze Editor, and myself sitting in box seats for the best view. POPCORN TIME! (Scornful catcalls, boos, and hisses optional.)
Will I actually SEE "New Moon" like I actually SAW "Twilight" and defiled my eyeballs with it (and bitterly regretted the deed afterwards)? It depends on how much more pain La Parisienne and I decide we can take from the whole Meyer mess when we re-convene at Christmas. But as pop culture mavens, film fans, and more-or-less cultural critics, I guess we just might have to at some point. (Maybe on DVD so we can fast-forward just about everything?)

UPDATE: OK, this is the best angry review I've seen yet (slight language warning). Here's just the beginning of it: "Bella Swan is one of the most detestable, obnoxious, mentally unstable characters in modern American literature." TRUE DAT.


lp said...

I'm not sure. I read one review that said it was "deeper" than "Twilight." I am afraid the new director sucked all the campy fun out of this movie. It might not be bad enough.

Mad Minerva said...

No campy fun? Not even inadvertent? Bleagh! Some of the reviews said that Michael Sheen's silly Volturi was the only fun bit of the whole flick.

NOT BAD ENOUGH. Certainly NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Uh-oh. We're in the no-man's-land of crapulousness.