Political Humor of the Day: Write Yourself into the Stimulus Bill!

Here's your Personal Stimulus Generator!  You can get up to $350 billion in your own earmarked personal pork project, so go hog wild!  This little piggy went to Congress!

Pork-tastic!

I played with the Personal Stimulus Generator, and this is my piece of the stimulus bill's plunder.  See it embedded amid all the other pork in Title II Subtitle A?  Hey, can we ALL get pork?  YES, WE CAN!  

National Telecommunications and Information Administration

salaries and expenses

For an additional amount for `Salaries and Expenses', $350,000,000, to remain available until September 30, 2011: Provided, That funds shall be available to establish the State Broadband Data and Development Grant Program, as authorized by Public Law 110-385, for the development and implementation of statewide initiatives to identify and track the availability and adoption of broadband services within each State, and to develop and maintain a nationwide broadband inventory map, as authorized by section 6001 of division B of this Act.

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Mad Minerva for the Mad Minerva Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $250,000,000 shall be paid directly to Mad Minerva in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Mad Minerva to play Wii all day and drink cherry limeades or for whatever.  Provided Even Further, That Mad Minerva will receive free Colbert Report tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Mad Minerva shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Chuck Schumer is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

digital-to-analog converter box program

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, and in addition to amounts otherwise provided in any other Act, for costs associated with the Digital-to-Analog Converter Box Program, $650,000,000, to be available until September 30, 2009: Provided, That these funds shall be available for coupons and related activities, including but not limited to education, consumer support and outreach, as deemed appropriate and necessary to ensure a timely conversion of analog to digital television.

Hilarious!